My feelings

All along the way I have been jotting down the way I have been feeling so I won't forget. Now that the announcement has been made and I know for sure that I am indeed pregnant, I wanted to share with everyone some of the thoughts that have been going through my mind while I was undergoing tests to determine what was happening.

January31, 2011- I took two pregnancy tests today ... they were positive. It can't be true, but there they are in front of me, two little plus signs. I am going to the doctor on Thursday.

February 3, 2011- The doctors office confirmed it!!!! I am in shock, and complete awe! I can't believe this might actually be happening to me. I went into the office peed in my cup and waited. I made sure that I had my appointment with Dr. Bernhardt. He is such a wonderful doctor and has taken such amazing care of our family. He cares about us, he knows us, and I wanted to talk about this with him.

He walked into the room and I say "are you surprised to see me?" His response was that he saw that I was in to confirm pregnancy and he triple checked his papers. He knew that there was no way it was me, it had to be a different Kira Palmer. He asked me to tell him what has been going on. I told him that I expected my period to come all last week. I had all of my usual signs, but it just wasn't coming. I then told him that in the past if I took a pregnancy test it would always trigger my period, so that's what I did. The conversation then went like this ...

Kira: "When I took the test it came out positive. Because it is me, I didn't believe it and took the other one."

Dr. Bernhardt: "Why do people always take two?"

Kira: "I didn't believe the first one. I knew there had to be something wrong. I still don't really believe it."

Dr. Bernhardt: "Well .................... ours is positive too!"

I wish that I could describe the way he said that last line. It is the line that I keep replaying in my head constantly. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't believe that this was even a possibility. What he did next was something that I never expected to happen to me in all of my life. He picked up the little wheel and began talking pregnancy talk. My head was spinning, its still spinning.

Because of my history of infertility Dr. Bernhardt is monitoring me for the other possibilities it could be.

1. A rare form of cancer that makes the pregnancy hormone spike.

2. An unfertilized egg that has implanted.

3. A molar pregnancy, which is a growth in the uterus.

I am keeping my emotions guarded right now. I know I am still in shock. I don't think I will believe it until all of the tests come back saying that it appears to be a true pregnancy.

Dr. Bernhardt gave me a big hug at the end of the appointment and congratulated me. It was such a sweet moment. My first congratulations on something HUGE in my life. I was still kind of absent for the moment though because I am in such great shock and denial.

I want this to be true.

February 5, 2011- I still can't believe that I might be pregnant! It has been 3 days since Dr. Bernhardt walked into the room and said "Ours is positive too". I am constantly replaying the moment in my mind over and over and over. It is consuming my every thought. I want it to be true, but I can't let myself believe it until I know for sure that it isn't one of the other 3 possibilities.

February 8, 2011- Dr. Bernhardt called today. He told me that everything in my blood work indicates a true pregnancy!! I can't believe it!!! I asked him if I had permission to get excited now and he said that I could! I am so excited .... and I still can't believe this is happening to me! I am so excited, and I am so grateful. I keep expecting to start bleeding at any moment, but so far I am still pregnant. I am pregnant!!!

February 17, 2011- I saw the heart beat today! I really believe that I have been waiting this whole time for that proof. Up until now I have known that I am pregnant, but didn't really feel pregnant (except for my utter exhaustion). When she showed me the little heart beating it was the final proof that I needed. There is really a baby growing in my tummy. People ask if I cried, and you know what? I didn't. She turned the screen and showed me the little flutter of the heart and I smiled and released a huge sigh of relief. This is actually real!!!! WOW!!!!