Thursday, March 31, 2011

OK ..... FIXED IT! Read ON!!!
ok I don't know why blogger won't let me put spaces in the last post!!! I have re-done it 3 times now. It is hard to read and I don't know what to do. Anyone else ever had this problem?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Boys: an update

Evan: My little boy is growing up waaay too fast! He is truly a delight and such a cuddle bug (makes mom happy). Evan is experimenting with boundaries. He will fight me, which sucks, but I am trying to be the strong mother who doesn't give in. I know that I do him no favors when I give in. An example is a couple of days ago. He was sitting at the table NOT eating his breakfast. I wouldn't let him do anything fun until he finished his food. Well, it took him 2 1/2 hours to finish. He finished only 20 minutes before we sat down to eat lunch!

I had a funny conversation with Evan yesterday. It went as follows:
Evan- "Mom ... is 'scurvy dog' a bad word?
Me- (giggling) "no, you can say 'scurvy dog' "
Evan- "Mom, can my pirate say 'scurvy dog' ?"
Me- (still giggling) "Your pirate can definitely say scurvy dog."

My sweet Landon. What can I say about my sweet Landon. The most fun with this little boy right now is that he is very good at trying new words. We are loving hearing him "talk".

Some of Landon's new words are:
-Bum (he always puts both hands on his bum while he is saying it)
-He is very good at saying "DON'T". It is always very forceful with his lips completely puckered out, which makes it even cuter.
My ring tone is California gurls by Katy Perry. When my phone rings Evan always sings along with it. Landon has now started to join in on the "oooo ooooo".
"Ass" = Sword (totally makes me laugh every time he says this, which is a lot)
"Hass" = Horse
"Kuck" = Truck
"Hat" = Cat
"Fruff" = Dog (he won't say Dog, but just makes the noise)
"Hess" = Yes
"YoHo" = this is what he says when he sees a boat

Landon is quite the conversationalist now, until he breaks down and then his conversation breaks down. He has started to become even more cuddly. I cannot believe how big he is now. Though he is still my baby he really doesn't look like a baby anymore. He looks like a big boy.

I am making it a goal to re-introduce myself into the blogging world, despite my moments! Speaking of moments, I had one yesterday. I went to hot yoga for the first time and started crying at the end of class. Why??? Because I was able to go to hot yoga. I wasn't allowed to attend when I was pregnant and now I can. I have realized that a lot of my breakdown moments are the first time I do something since. Other than that I just think about it a lot.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I am hereby apologizing:

-Sorry. Lately I haven't been a great commenter (ok, I haven't commented at all)! I love checking blogs. In fact it has been a great source of distraction through all of this stuff that I have been going through. I love y'all and I swear I am reading, but usually when I am reading blogs I have been wallowing a little in my own self pity. I promise I am coming back and I will start spreading my love again soon.

-Sorry my blogs have been fairly depressing ... not like this one is helping my run of optimism.

-Sorry there haven't been any pictures. It is too cold in our basement where I need to load the pictures, and my posts have been too depressing to put up a picture. Once this weather decides to change I just might brave the basement.

Alright, enough of the apologies.

Saturday was amazing. The performance rocked and I really hope hope hope that I can audition well enough to earn a full time position with them. I know they want me. They have been very open and clear about that. I desperately want to play with them. I wish they could just award me the spot without me having to audition. Oh well, things are always better when you earn them .... right???

Sunday was hard. I went to church for the first time since I lost the baby. I was conducting the hymns for the congregation. I almost lost it during the first two hymns, was ok during the third, and had my friend conduct the last hymn (THANK YOU KRISTEN) because I knew that there was no way I could make it through that one. I pretty much cried the rest of the time. Now that that is over and done with I think it will be easier.

I know I will never forget this baby that grew inside of me for 11 weeks, but it really is interesting how differently I feel now. Before when people would ask me how I felt, I couldn't really feel the difference from before (except the exhaustion, hunger, and boobs) but now that the baby is gone I totally feel a difference. Nothing else really to say about it, just it feels very different.

I am excited to be a parent volunteer on Evan's field trip tomorrow. I hope it isn't snowing because that would totally put a damper on our outdoor adventure (especially since Landon is sick and he is coming with us). Wish us luck!!!

Friday, March 18, 2011

A moment

I had my first moment yesterday. I've read about them. I've read that they can't be anticipated and there is no warning.

Yesterday was my first "real" day out. The kids were taken care of and I was on my way to rehearsal. I am following the directions when all of a sudden I turn onto the road very near the ultrasound clinic we were at last Saturday for our news. I saw the clinic. I burst into tears and couldn't stop until I was almost downtown parking for my rehearsal.

I thankfully was able to pull myself together and immersed myself in a little Brahms musical therapy. I was alright during the rehearsal but still a little shaken up for the rest of the day. We will see what happens today.

On a bright note: The leprechauns attacked our lunch today! We had green mac n' cheese, pickles, cucumbers, and green milk!! Evan was too funny. If someones shirt wasn't entirely green he didn't think that counted. He insisted on pinching Justin because he had a white shirt and a green tie. He insisted that he pinch Landon because his shirt was white with green stripes. I was safe!

Another bright note: I wore something other than yoga pants today (mostly because I had been wearing the same ones for a while and couldn't justify another day ... they really need a wash). It was a t-shirt and some loose jeans, but it was still a slight effort.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Horrific ... but done

If you are queasy or don't like graphic details, probably don't continue reading. I am not really going to spare any details.

Yesterday was a day of hell.

I was contacted that morning from the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic. When they heard that I had been bleeding and cramping since Saturday they skipped their lunch break to see me. After reading about all of my options I decided that I would like to have a D&C.

-Natural: There was no way to predict when it was going to happen, could be soon, could be weeks. I have rehearsals and a concert this weekend starting on Thursday (with that orchestra that I really want to be a full time member of). I did NOT want to be passing the baby during the rehearsals or the concert.

-The Pill: Tons of side effects, and will probably make my endometriosis worse.

-The D&C: Hardly any side effects. No pain during the procedure. Very little bleeding or cramping afterwards.

I had wanted to try and pass the baby naturally, but based on the week that I have ahead and everything that I read I decided that I wanted to have a D&C. To be honest I didn't want to carry around a dead baby inside of me anymore. It was too draining, physically and emotionally walking around knowing that I had a baby inside me with no heartbeat. The hospital didn't have any surgery opening available for the day but called and asked the surgeon if she would be willing to do an "emergency D&C" so I would have enough time to recover before my rehearsals start on Thursday. Thankfully the surgeon said she would do it.

They checked me into a bed to wait, which I was fine with because I wasn't feeling well at all. I was just waiting for a spot to open up for me to be squeezed in. About 2:00 my cramping was really intense, but there were moments of relief. The moments of intensity began to overtake the moments of relief, but my bleeding wasn't matching the pain. I was in a lot of pain. At the same time as the cramping I began to develop a fever.

At 5:30 I felt a large pop on the left of my uterus and an intense ripping across to the right of my uterus. Immediately the intensity of my cramps was pretty much unbearable and I was bleeding out. Like really bleeding out. Have you seen the large hospital pads? I bled through one of those pads and onto the bed 3 times in about 40 minutes. Once I started losing that much blood my "emergency D&C" turned into and actual emergency D&C.

At this point my fever was really high and was still rising (they checked me for everything and think the fever was a result of the baby). The surgeon was contacted and as soon as she finished the surgery she was in I would go in. Meanwhile I was continuing to lose even more blood at a rapid speed. My doctor and the resident went in and attempted to get as much out as they could with some long tweezers. My cervix had dilated on its own, but it was still really painful. They weren't able to get everything, but did manage to pull out some really large clots and some tissue. It was while they were doing this that Justin arrived.

I wish Justin had been able to get there sooner, but he had to wait on a ride to pick him up and drive him to the hospital. I really needed Justin with me, but thankfully the staff was incredible, and at least Justin was able to get there before I went in for the surgery. (speaking of the staff: when I was in such a massive amount of pain the resident came into my room and said that he didn't like hearing me in so much pain while I was alone so he was going to do his paper work next to my bed to keep me company. It was above and beyond and just what I needed.) I asked the doctor if endometriosis makes a miscarriage worse (more painful, blood loss, etc.) and he said that it did and that was why they were monitering me so closely. If I had known that ahead of time I don't think I would have even contemplated doing it at home naturally.

About 20 minutes after Justin arrived they took me down for my D&C. It was supposed to be done under conscious sedation, so imagine my surprise when they woke me up. The first question out of my mouth was "why was I asleep?" Apparently I was still in quite a bit of pain and not handling the procedure very well, so after a couple of minutes they decided to knock me out. I am grateful that I don't remember "not handling it well" and I hope I didn't give them too much grief. I was in pretty bad shape by the time I got to them though so I can only imagine what "not handling it well" meant.

It was amazing how much better I felt immediately after I woke up. The feeling was night and day!!! I was calm and I wasn't in pain anymore. They rolled me back up to my room where my darling, wonderful, supporting husband was there waiting for me. I finally got some water and a little bit of food. They helped me to the bathroom, made sure I was ok and signed us out. The wonderful nurses said they would let me go home a little early because Justin is a dentist and understands the effects of the drugs that were used. They trusted him to take care of me. It was nice to be able to go home.

I was REALLY dizzy from the anesthesia, but that came as no surprise because the same thing happened for my last surgery. I was just proud that I didn't throw up this time. I came really really close on the drive home, but managed to keep it all down.

This experience was truly horrific! I am glad that I didn't try and pass this naturally at home. I don't know what I would have done. It would have been a traumatizing experience for the boys and I would have ended up in the hospital anyways with the amount of blood loss that I had. I don't even know when my body would have gotten rid of everything on its own. The experience I had lasted from 2:00-8:00 when I went in for surgery and I hadn't passed any tissue on my own, I just bled and bled and bled.

I was blessed to be in the hospital where I knew I was safe and I can't praise the staff enough! This is a hellish experience for anyone to go through. Fasting, high fever, contracting, a ton of blood loss, and even more pain ..... and no baby. They knew that there was nothing good about the experience I was having and they were the bright spots that I can look to when I think back on it. When the experience got really bad I was never alone. If one of the staff had to go look in on another patient someone else came in to sit with me, or rub my back. They were amazing!

I am glad that this is finally over. My uterus is clean and I feel sooo much better now. I am grateful I am going to be well enough to rehearse tomorrow. I think it will be a good distraction for me.

Thank you for the prayers, good thoughts, meals, flowers and everything else you do for us!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I don't regret it

I won't lie.

Yesterday sucked!!

I didn't get very much sleep Friday night. It was partially due to the fact that I was in quite a bit of pain but didn't want to take anything for it, and I was tossing and turning with a feeling of impending doom.

We were at the doctor when their doors opened. I was at the desk when she asked if I had an appointment. It was the first time I actually had to say the words out loud. I burst into tears when I told her that I was probably having a miscarriage. They sent us right in where the doctor told us to go have blood work and an ultrasound done. I was obviously most nervous about the ultrasound, because I knew that would be the most telling of the tests.

We drove to an ultrasound clinic that was open and waited. The room was cold, they wouldn't let Justin come in while they were doing the procedure. Afterwards I got dressed, they let Justin in and that is when they told us that the baby is still there, but there is no heartbeat. The room started spinning at that point. I just leaned into Justin, it was the only thing I could think to do. The ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to see it. I definitely did. I needed the finality of it. My heart still breaks a little as I picture that image on the ultrasound machine. Where the previous ultrasound was a little circle with a beating heart. This image looked like a baby. A baby with no heartbeat ... none ... just straight motionless lines of death.

We sat in the car crying together. It took about 10 min. for me to return to normal breathing. Then it was just heavy crying. Of course the initial feelings were "Why did God give us this gift after waiting for so long, only to take it away?" But then I remember that regardless of the time frame we had it for, this pregnancy, (for us) was still a gift!

Justin took me home and I laid in bed. I was in quite a bit of pain at that point and the emotional pain on top of it was a little too much for me to handle. Fortunately for me the physical pain is quite familiar. It is what I go through every month with my intense, endometriosis charged, periods. Once I finally got my physical pain to the manageable stage using my traditional "cocktail" of medication I was able to start focusing on the emotional pain.

I don't regret any way that I handled my pregnancy. I am glad that I told people as early as I did. I will always treasure the memories I have of the short time that I got to celebrate being pregnant. It was a beautiful experience to give my body over for the good of someone else. I treated this gift as a gift and never took it for granted. I enjoyed every moment of my 11 week pregnancy. I don't know why this happened, but I am not a stranger to trials. Justin and I have been asked to live through so many trials and I have always been given the strength to not only survive, but thrive. I am not ok right now, but I know I will be.

The only part of the whole experience that I wish I could change was that Justin didn't get to see the baby's heart beat. He couldn't come because of work and we had planned on him being there for the next one. That makes me sad, really sad.

It has really helped to know how much people love us. Friends and family are devastated with us. Knowing that we are not alone gives us so much strength. I now have several bouquets of flowers and some yummy "soothe your spirit" treats. It is amazing the effect that flowers have on me. The colors, the freshness, the reminder that someone is thinking of me ... they lift my spirits when I need it most. Thank you for all of the prayers, thoughts, comments, flowers, treats, and hugs. They all really help us.

I have my first "pre-natal" appointment tomorrow, which is now a "what now" appointment. I really want to pass this naturally. I hope the big stuff happens sooner than later so I can start to heal. I hope I can do it with out needing to go to the hospital, but who knows.

Thank you again for all of your love. We need it.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

There is no heartbeat.

We are heartbroken.


I cut my date short tonight.

I have been cramping most of the day but didn't think anything of it because everyone said that was normal, and I have been doing that since day one. Well, I started to spot at the restaurant. It has started to change color and has gotten worse.

To tell you the truth I fear the worst.

I am trying to think positive thoughts but that is really hard because I think I know exactly what is happening.

I am sad.
I am going to sleep now.
We'll see what is happening in the morning.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I had a very interesting practice session today. I didn't get the chance to practice yesterday and knew that I wouldn't have very much time today. What that meant was that I had to practice while Landon was awake. So when I am paying attention to him and playing with him he will quickly come say hello, but not really spend much time with me. While I was practicing all he wanted to do was sit on my lap. He wouldn't leave and kept hitting his head on the piano. He was such an unhappy baby! He finally consoled himself when he realized that he could wipe his snot all over my arm while I was playing. We made it through though. Who would have thought he would be so jealous over my oboe? This is why I usually practice at 11:00PM.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Brain Dump

Welcome to my brain dump. I have a lot on my mind right now. Some important and some not important. What I have been feeling lately is a gratitude for my life. Gratitude that I have grown up. It seems like years since the good ol' college days where I answered to no one and could do anything that I wanted. (ok, it was years ago!) I have grown up. I have made grown up decisions and I am so glad that I did. My husband is so happy in his life and I am able to take my little brood back home with me as often as I need to go. We are so blessed and I love my life.

Something else on my mind is all the things I'm involved in that sound the same.
FSA- Families Supporting Adoption
FSMA- Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy
FSCD- Family Supporting Children with Dissabilities

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Biggest Loser

I can't even tell you how much I hate the Red team on the biggest loser! They are cowards and I can't believe they sent Aurther home!!! Kaylee is so close to her goal weight and I can't believe that she wouldn't sacrifice herself for him. Oh man ... my blood is boiling right now!!! This TV show really gets to me!