Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Horrific ... but done

If you are queasy or don't like graphic details, probably don't continue reading. I am not really going to spare any details.

Yesterday was a day of hell.

I was contacted that morning from the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic. When they heard that I had been bleeding and cramping since Saturday they skipped their lunch break to see me. After reading about all of my options I decided that I would like to have a D&C.

-Natural: There was no way to predict when it was going to happen, could be soon, could be weeks. I have rehearsals and a concert this weekend starting on Thursday (with that orchestra that I really want to be a full time member of). I did NOT want to be passing the baby during the rehearsals or the concert.

-The Pill: Tons of side effects, and will probably make my endometriosis worse.

-The D&C: Hardly any side effects. No pain during the procedure. Very little bleeding or cramping afterwards.

I had wanted to try and pass the baby naturally, but based on the week that I have ahead and everything that I read I decided that I wanted to have a D&C. To be honest I didn't want to carry around a dead baby inside of me anymore. It was too draining, physically and emotionally walking around knowing that I had a baby inside me with no heartbeat. The hospital didn't have any surgery opening available for the day but called and asked the surgeon if she would be willing to do an "emergency D&C" so I would have enough time to recover before my rehearsals start on Thursday. Thankfully the surgeon said she would do it.

They checked me into a bed to wait, which I was fine with because I wasn't feeling well at all. I was just waiting for a spot to open up for me to be squeezed in. About 2:00 my cramping was really intense, but there were moments of relief. The moments of intensity began to overtake the moments of relief, but my bleeding wasn't matching the pain. I was in a lot of pain. At the same time as the cramping I began to develop a fever.

At 5:30 I felt a large pop on the left of my uterus and an intense ripping across to the right of my uterus. Immediately the intensity of my cramps was pretty much unbearable and I was bleeding out. Like really bleeding out. Have you seen the large hospital pads? I bled through one of those pads and onto the bed 3 times in about 40 minutes. Once I started losing that much blood my "emergency D&C" turned into and actual emergency D&C.

At this point my fever was really high and was still rising (they checked me for everything and think the fever was a result of the baby). The surgeon was contacted and as soon as she finished the surgery she was in I would go in. Meanwhile I was continuing to lose even more blood at a rapid speed. My doctor and the resident went in and attempted to get as much out as they could with some long tweezers. My cervix had dilated on its own, but it was still really painful. They weren't able to get everything, but did manage to pull out some really large clots and some tissue. It was while they were doing this that Justin arrived.

I wish Justin had been able to get there sooner, but he had to wait on a ride to pick him up and drive him to the hospital. I really needed Justin with me, but thankfully the staff was incredible, and at least Justin was able to get there before I went in for the surgery. (speaking of the staff: when I was in such a massive amount of pain the resident came into my room and said that he didn't like hearing me in so much pain while I was alone so he was going to do his paper work next to my bed to keep me company. It was above and beyond and just what I needed.) I asked the doctor if endometriosis makes a miscarriage worse (more painful, blood loss, etc.) and he said that it did and that was why they were monitering me so closely. If I had known that ahead of time I don't think I would have even contemplated doing it at home naturally.

About 20 minutes after Justin arrived they took me down for my D&C. It was supposed to be done under conscious sedation, so imagine my surprise when they woke me up. The first question out of my mouth was "why was I asleep?" Apparently I was still in quite a bit of pain and not handling the procedure very well, so after a couple of minutes they decided to knock me out. I am grateful that I don't remember "not handling it well" and I hope I didn't give them too much grief. I was in pretty bad shape by the time I got to them though so I can only imagine what "not handling it well" meant.

It was amazing how much better I felt immediately after I woke up. The feeling was night and day!!! I was calm and I wasn't in pain anymore. They rolled me back up to my room where my darling, wonderful, supporting husband was there waiting for me. I finally got some water and a little bit of food. They helped me to the bathroom, made sure I was ok and signed us out. The wonderful nurses said they would let me go home a little early because Justin is a dentist and understands the effects of the drugs that were used. They trusted him to take care of me. It was nice to be able to go home.

I was REALLY dizzy from the anesthesia, but that came as no surprise because the same thing happened for my last surgery. I was just proud that I didn't throw up this time. I came really really close on the drive home, but managed to keep it all down.

This experience was truly horrific! I am glad that I didn't try and pass this naturally at home. I don't know what I would have done. It would have been a traumatizing experience for the boys and I would have ended up in the hospital anyways with the amount of blood loss that I had. I don't even know when my body would have gotten rid of everything on its own. The experience I had lasted from 2:00-8:00 when I went in for surgery and I hadn't passed any tissue on my own, I just bled and bled and bled.

I was blessed to be in the hospital where I knew I was safe and I can't praise the staff enough! This is a hellish experience for anyone to go through. Fasting, high fever, contracting, a ton of blood loss, and even more pain ..... and no baby. They knew that there was nothing good about the experience I was having and they were the bright spots that I can look to when I think back on it. When the experience got really bad I was never alone. If one of the staff had to go look in on another patient someone else came in to sit with me, or rub my back. They were amazing!

I am glad that this is finally over. My uterus is clean and I feel sooo much better now. I am grateful I am going to be well enough to rehearse tomorrow. I think it will be a good distraction for me.

Thank you for the prayers, good thoughts, meals, flowers and everything else you do for us!


Gladys said...

Hello my sweet friend! I am so sorry for ALL that you have been through lately. I cried when I found out you were expecting and cried when I found out you lost the baby. Wish we were closer to you all so I could have been there for you.-LOVE YOU- Gladys

Dorienne said...

oh Kira, I'm sorry you had to experience all of this. It sounded really really tough. That was so amazing of the resident doctor and the staff. So good to know that people were taking good care of you.

Bree Johnson said...

oh miss kira I'm so sorry you had to be there alone.. I bet that sucked the most- along with everything else.. But I'm glad you are ok now and didnt end up needing a transfusion or anything super crazy. It's amazing how kind nurses are. I'm glad there are people like that in the world. You inspire me. I love you. Hope your concert is beautiful.. I'm sure it will be.

Serene said...

You are so brave Kira. We love you so much and continue to pray for you guys!

motherofangels said...

I love you Kira!!! I continue to surprise my by your ability to be strong in the face of trials! I was thinking last night that I love how you are not afraid to be yourself whether or not someone else like it! You are a great role model for me! BTW I told Carla Humphreys about whats going on with you. SHE LOVES YOU and thinks you are such a positive person!

Lisa said...

I'm grateful you had great nurses and doctors that were there for you and of course Justin :) I love you!

Ang said...

Kira, I am so sorry for all of this. You have been in my thoughts and prayers for awhile now. Please let me know if there's anything I can do - I'd love to visit with you or watch those amazing boys of yours sometime! Sending you loads of love xoxo

Alicia said...

Kira and Justin, our hearts is breaking for your family. We were so saddened by the news of your sweet baby passing. Words cannot express how deeply sorry we are that you guys are having to endure this. If you need to talk or cry we can be a great listeners. Thankyou for sharing this with us and we are here for you during excitement and disappointment. We love you and we truly pray that the lord will give you peace and understanding.
Love, Steve and Alicia

Fred ... said...

I love you Kira. You are a brave girl.

Sarah said...

I've been out of the blog world for awhile now and I'm so, so sad about what has happened to you. I wish I could be up there to give you a big hug and cry my eyes out with you. I can't believe how strong and upbeat you always are. You really are amazing. I hope you recover quickly and start feeling normal again.

Janae said...

Not horrific... just so real. Can't believe you had to endure that. Good to know you were taken care of. Your attitude is amazing! XOXO

sarah said...

I'm so happy that the staff and doctors where so nice to you :) you deserve the best. I love you Sis!

Jacquie said...

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine. I am grateful that you are out of physical pain & where taken care of so well. I hear that you will be in Az!? I hope so!