Sunday, March 13, 2011

I don't regret it

I won't lie.

Yesterday sucked!!

I didn't get very much sleep Friday night. It was partially due to the fact that I was in quite a bit of pain but didn't want to take anything for it, and I was tossing and turning with a feeling of impending doom.

We were at the doctor when their doors opened. I was at the desk when she asked if I had an appointment. It was the first time I actually had to say the words out loud. I burst into tears when I told her that I was probably having a miscarriage. They sent us right in where the doctor told us to go have blood work and an ultrasound done. I was obviously most nervous about the ultrasound, because I knew that would be the most telling of the tests.

We drove to an ultrasound clinic that was open and waited. The room was cold, they wouldn't let Justin come in while they were doing the procedure. Afterwards I got dressed, they let Justin in and that is when they told us that the baby is still there, but there is no heartbeat. The room started spinning at that point. I just leaned into Justin, it was the only thing I could think to do. The ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to see it. I definitely did. I needed the finality of it. My heart still breaks a little as I picture that image on the ultrasound machine. Where the previous ultrasound was a little circle with a beating heart. This image looked like a baby. A baby with no heartbeat ... none ... just straight motionless lines of death.

We sat in the car crying together. It took about 10 min. for me to return to normal breathing. Then it was just heavy crying. Of course the initial feelings were "Why did God give us this gift after waiting for so long, only to take it away?" But then I remember that regardless of the time frame we had it for, this pregnancy, (for us) was still a gift!

Justin took me home and I laid in bed. I was in quite a bit of pain at that point and the emotional pain on top of it was a little too much for me to handle. Fortunately for me the physical pain is quite familiar. It is what I go through every month with my intense, endometriosis charged, periods. Once I finally got my physical pain to the manageable stage using my traditional "cocktail" of medication I was able to start focusing on the emotional pain.

I don't regret any way that I handled my pregnancy. I am glad that I told people as early as I did. I will always treasure the memories I have of the short time that I got to celebrate being pregnant. It was a beautiful experience to give my body over for the good of someone else. I treated this gift as a gift and never took it for granted. I enjoyed every moment of my 11 week pregnancy. I don't know why this happened, but I am not a stranger to trials. Justin and I have been asked to live through so many trials and I have always been given the strength to not only survive, but thrive. I am not ok right now, but I know I will be.

The only part of the whole experience that I wish I could change was that Justin didn't get to see the baby's heart beat. He couldn't come because of work and we had planned on him being there for the next one. That makes me sad, really sad.

It has really helped to know how much people love us. Friends and family are devastated with us. Knowing that we are not alone gives us so much strength. I now have several bouquets of flowers and some yummy "soothe your spirit" treats. It is amazing the effect that flowers have on me. The colors, the freshness, the reminder that someone is thinking of me ... they lift my spirits when I need it most. Thank you for all of the prayers, thoughts, comments, flowers, treats, and hugs. They all really help us.

I have my first "pre-natal" appointment tomorrow, which is now a "what now" appointment. I really want to pass this naturally. I hope the big stuff happens sooner than later so I can start to heal. I hope I can do it with out needing to go to the hospital, but who knows.

Thank you again for all of your love. We need it.

24 comments:

Linz said...

Kira, your strength amazes me. I am so sorry. You are still in our thoughts and prayers.

The Boring Family said...

You are so strong! I'm glad you shared this. We love you!

Mark said...

Kira,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

When the Millennium comes, one of the great works will be to complete the family ties that couldn’t be completed before. I believe it will be your privilege and responsibility to bring up this child at that time.

motherofangels said...

You are amazing and handling this better than me! I love you and am here for you and ANYTHING you need!

Lacy said...

Kira, it is such a shock. I am so sorry. We love you and wish we could be there to hug you and cry with you.

Christy said...

I am so sorry Kira. My heart sank when I read this. You will all be in our prayers. love you.

Jenn said...

I don't regret it either. You have blessed each and every one's life who has shared in your beautiful story. It is a miracle. You are worthy of every beautiful and miraculous moment possible. Thank you for sharing. I cried tears of joy when you told me. I cry utter tears of sorrow with this news. You are loved.

Lisa said...

I'm glad you shared your miraculous news and were able to experience the joy that came with it. It was a miracle and a miracle can happen again. We love you & Justin both very much. I wish I was there as you already know. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Sarah fasted for you today :) I told her we will organize a family fast for you both.

Fred ... said...

Kira, you are a wonderful woman. You deserve every good thing in life and I have no doubt it will all be yours. I love you.

Letters to Gabriella said...

Kira, I am so proud of you for being so strong. I was not as strong when I had my miscarriage last year. I wouldn't wish that devistation on anyone, and I am sorry it had to happen to you. I will keep you in my prayers. You are in for an emotional rollercoaster, but just know that the Lord will be there to help you through it. That's what the atonement is for.

Susie said...

Wow Kira, you amaze me. This is totally devastating and I am in awe of the words you share and your attitude. Defintiely thinking of you

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

We love you :) Your perspective is truly amazing.

Sarah said...

I don't know you, but I'm crying real tears for you.

Amanda said...

So not fair...I am so sorry that you and Justin have to go through this. I can only imagine how heartbroken you are. At the same time I am amazed at your will to go on and incredible perspective on things. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle said...

Kira,
Your description of your experience is so familiar to me. It's just so hard. Even with the knowledge of eternal families, it's still hard, and it's okay to grieve. I'm glad you have no regrets. You and Justin are amazing people, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are a strong woman! don't ever regret this, It may sound crazy but you did have a baby there inside you, he/she gave you love and try to be in you and I am sure you will meet that little person was inside you. Just remember he/she choose you and want to feel that love you had for him/her and maybe people will not agree with me but I know you will meet him/her someday! My heart goes unto you and I know your pain believe me you will feel better when you understand it was planned like that please don't you ever give up on trying again, The Lord knows why things happens like this just put your mind, heart and body into his hands, all my love to you and Justin. I'm sorry.

Dorienne said...

You are an amazing woman. Wishing and Justin loads of love and comfort.

Lindsay said...

Kira, I just wept when we read the text from Justin and I am weeping now for you. I am so sorry for the heartache that you have gone through and will go through. We love you guys so much and are inspired by your faith and positive focus on life. You truly bless our lives as friends. It was a gift and a lot of fun to be pregnant with you for a while. We pray for continued blessings in your life which I'm sure will come because of your incredible faith. We love you all and are praying for you. Love Linds

Heidi said...

Trent and I are so sorry for you and Justin. I found out today on facebook that you had gotten pregnant, went to your blog for details only to find this. Man, I'm really sorry. We will pray for you and your family.

We'd love to see you sometime too. I don't know if you have plans to come to Utah or Idaho, but we'd sure love it. We'll be in ID this summer and UT before then. Good luck with everything.

Vanessa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vanessa said...

Hey Kira- I just recently heard the from Amanda that you were expecting (since I rarely ever blog anymore) and after reading this last post, I wanted to tell you that your strength & faith is truly an inspiration. Your trials WILL give you perspective & wisdom and although it's heavy in the moment, it will get lighter...:)
Sending you hugs-
V.

Keshia said...

Aww Hun, I'm so sorry! I love you and please let me know if there's anything I can do for you!

Janae said...

Just sent you an email. I echo what Jenn said. It is a miracle and I feel blessed that you shared it with me. I am so happy we celebrated. And yes, you are amazing. Know one else on this planet would be able to have this perspective expect you. Love and prayers for you right now!

Lightning Bug Literacy said...

Kira, my heart aches for you in so many ways. How incredibly devastating. Find a special way to celebrate your child's life and treasure her forever and ever. Many prayers for you and your family - <3 Ari