I won't lie.
I didn't get very much sleep Friday night. It was partially due to the fact that I was in quite a bit of pain but didn't want to take anything for it, and I was tossing and turning with a feeling of impending doom.
We were at the doctor when their doors opened. I was at the desk when she asked if I had an appointment. It was the first time I actually had to say the words out loud. I burst into tears when I told her that I was probably having a miscarriage. They sent us right in where the doctor told us to go have blood work and an ultrasound done. I was obviously most nervous about the ultrasound, because I knew that would be the most telling of the tests.
We drove to an ultrasound clinic that was open and waited. The room was cold, they wouldn't let Justin come in while they were doing the procedure. Afterwards I got dressed, they let Justin in and that is when they told us that the baby is still there, but there is no heartbeat. The room started spinning at that point. I just leaned into Justin, it was the only thing I could think to do. The ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to see it. I definitely did. I needed the finality of it. My heart still breaks a little as I picture that image on the ultrasound machine. Where the previous ultrasound was a little circle with a beating heart. This image looked like a baby. A baby with no heartbeat ... none ... just straight motionless lines of death.
We sat in the car crying together. It took about 10 min. for me to return to normal breathing. Then it was just heavy crying. Of course the initial feelings were "Why did God give us this gift after waiting for so long, only to take it away?" But then I remember that regardless of the time frame we had it for, this pregnancy, (for us) was still a gift!
Justin took me home and I laid in bed. I was in quite a bit of pain at that point and the emotional pain on top of it was a little too much for me to handle. Fortunately for me the physical pain is quite familiar. It is what I go through every month with my intense, endometriosis charged, periods. Once I finally got my physical pain to the manageable stage using my traditional "cocktail" of medication I was able to start focusing on the emotional pain.
I don't regret any way that I handled my pregnancy. I am glad that I told people as early as I did. I will always treasure the memories I have of the short time that I got to celebrate being pregnant. It was a beautiful experience to give my body over for the good of someone else. I treated this gift as a gift and never took it for granted. I enjoyed every moment of my 11 week pregnancy. I don't know why this happened, but I am not a stranger to trials. Justin and I have been asked to live through so many trials and I have always been given the strength to not only survive, but thrive. I am not ok right now, but I know I will be.
The only part of the whole experience that I wish I could change was that Justin didn't get to see the baby's heart beat. He couldn't come because of work and we had planned on him being there for the next one. That makes me sad, really sad.
It has really helped to know how much people love us. Friends and family are devastated with us. Knowing that we are not alone gives us so much strength. I now have several bouquets of flowers and some yummy "soothe your spirit" treats. It is amazing the effect that flowers have on me. The colors, the freshness, the reminder that someone is thinking of me ... they lift my spirits when I need it most. Thank you for all of the prayers, thoughts, comments, flowers, treats, and hugs. They all really help us.
I have my first "pre-natal" appointment tomorrow, which is now a "what now" appointment. I really want to pass this naturally. I hope the big stuff happens sooner than later so I can start to heal. I hope I can do it with out needing to go to the hospital, but who knows.
Thank you again for all of your love. We need it.