pregnancy

I know this is not a surprise to anyone who has been pregnant or been around someone who is pregnant, but growing a person is hard.  There have been some unexpected ups and downs.  How any pregnant woman continues to exercise, let alone walk is beyond me.  It takes all my will not to waddle in public.  The waddle, I have found, isn't because I have lost my center of gravity but because of constant pain in multiple parts of my body that you can't do anything about.  There are so many other things too, severe heart burn, dizzy spells, insomnia, too frequent urination, severe constipation, and the fact that anytime I sneeze I pee my pants are all little unwelcomed gifts from this growing person inside me.  

AND THEN I FEEL THE BABY MOVE.

When this life inside me moves (and it does often) I feel the heavens open.  I can't believe that God has given me the gift of creating a life.  I get to carry a baby.  It's almost like my personal secret.  I go through the day literally having personal conversations with this new baby.  The little one inside of me will rock, kick, or roll and I reach down and caress them back.  We are in our own little world that often times others around aren't even aware of.  It is a dream come true.  These experiences bring a new aspect to my relationship and thoughts of my other children as well.  I am now able to imagine them having the same experience with their tummy mommy's and how special that time was for them to have with these beautiful babies.  I always knew it in my mind, but now I can physically imagine it.   

My body has changed so much.  It is pretty incredible to see and I will sometimes walk by a mirror and be surprised at how big I am.  I was looking through pictures of a beach day we had last year and could hardly believe the difference between myself then and myself now.  My weight gain doesn't bother me.  I know that I am changing to give this baby the best chance at a healthy life and I love that I get to play such an active part in taking care of this life already.    

We are all so excited for this baby to join our family.  It is funny to see the boys reactions day to day about it.  Evan is excited, but I think at this point its kind've old news for him.  I feel bad because I think this is in part because he is in school all day and because he is in a wheelchair.  He is gone a lot of the day so he doesn't have as many chances at feeling the baby move inside of me and when he is home it is hard to get him into a position quick enough that he could feel it.  During church this week we were having some cuddle time and the baby was moving like crazy.  It kept kicking Evan and for the first time Evan seemed totally into it all.  I am so grateful that he got to have that experience.  Landon is by far the most excited one in the family.  He was asking every single day how long until Easter (because he knows that's when the baby is due).  I finally made him a calendar so he can now mark off everyday and see for himself when the baby might come.  Cameron has zero idea that he is going to be a big brother in 5 1/2 weeks.  As for Justin and I we are trying to soak up every last bit of this pregnancy, good and bad.  We know this is it for our family, which makes me sad.  Still I mostly just feel an overwhelming love for my Heavenly Father and the path that he laid out for me.  It isn't always an easy road, but it is my road and I am so grateful for the journey thus far.